Every עת צרה-crisis that occurs is a direct result of confusion. Torah guidance (a.k.a. דעת תורה) provides redemption from a state of confusion, substituting clarity and focused living. Consequently, דעת תורה must always be sought out in order to ensure that the right decisions are being made.
Among the many areas in shidduchim that can use fine tuning is clarity in what is to be considered a 'very good'Shidduch. There exists within eligible singles an innate desire to marry someone who is very good-looking, or very smart, or from a very distinguished lineage and background, or very wealthy, or very outgoing, or a combination of a few of the above. Often, parents have the same desire. Not that they know for certain that such person currently exists, rather they think to themselves that if they were offered such a Shidduch they most certainly would jump at the offer.
Although one who marries a person with extremeadmirable attributes may appear to have gotten the best that exists, for several reasons however, this shouldn't be one's primary goal while in the process of shidduchim.
Firstly, a better marriage will emerge if one focuses on the more פנימיות'דיק elements of the other. Secondly, (and this point we will elaborate on a little more), making the goal of the search for a Shidduch to find one who stands out greatly in any given area may make the search much more challengingand much less realistic, consequently causing the process of finding a match to be lengthened unnecessarily.
To understand this we will first relate the famous discussion between בית שמאי and בית הלל about how to regard a כלה. The dialogue is whether we should always proclaim that she is beautiful, as is the opinion of בית הלל, or to just regardher as she is, if more beautiful, then regard her as such, etc. which is the opinion of בית שמאי.
When בית שמאי heard the opinion if their counterparts, they questioned, "Doesn't the Torah forbid telling lies? מדבר שקר תרחק." To which בית הלל responded, "To a person who just made a new acquisition, would you condemn what they acquired?"
Obviously, בית הלל agrees that it is forbidden to lie, even though they say that a כלה should be generously complemented, and בית שמאי acceded that a person should be praised for their acquisition. The difference between בית הללand בית שמאי, then, is how a כלה should be viewed. Should she be viewed on a general scale against a general backdrop and that only if she is absolutely stunning may she be praised for her looks, or should a כלה be deemed according to the specific marriage she is entering, that to this חתן of hers she is truly נאה וחסודה?
בית שמאי rules that a כלה is considered on a general scale, while בית הלל maintains that a כלה is regarded according to her particular marriage with her חתן.
This is why according to בית הלל it is not untrue to proclaim every כלה a כלה נאה וחסודה, because in the particular relationship with her חתן it is indeed as such, while according to בית שמאי who always look at the general picture, if the כלהis not remarkable when compared to others, then referring to her as נאה וחסודה would indeed be false.
This discussion can be applied across the board in shidduchim; not just regarding looks but for all qualities, and not just for כלה wannabes but for חתן wannabes as well.
Accepting the opinion of בית שמאי would mean only considering בחורים with great minds or with extremely exalted lineage or only considering a girl who fits into certain physical or financial categories.
The guidance that בית הלל gives us is very different. בית הלל encourages us to personalize our search according to the style and the specific needs of the person who is searching. So if intellect is important, for example, instead of sounding greedy or haughty by considering only the smartest potential spouses available, one will first honestly estimate and assess, (perhaps with the help of another in order to maintain an honest assessment) if for the specific person that s/he is, does s/he really need the smartest person around, or should the object be to seek out the person who is the most suitable intellectually for who I am individually? The same should be applied to all qualities, and characteristics we look for in a spouse.
As it turns out, we generally rule like בית הלל and not like בית שמאי. In regard to this discussion, even if there are those who do get "the best", they are an overwhelming minority, (just as it is with those who can handle life according to theharsh standards of בית שמאי.) It would be considered living in a fantasy world for it to become commonplace for people in general to follow the path of בית שמאי, and think that they need and will 'get' the 'best'. It is much more practical to seek out a spouse whose description makes sense with who the individual searching is, thus making it a personal experience rather than a public one.s
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