Incompatible?

InCompatible?

By Rabbi Zalman Goldberg

A few years ago, I heard from a certain shadchante that over the course of a year she was involved in setting up two hundred and fifty shidduchim. The results of her work were that one hundred of the couples met and decided not to get married, and one hundred and fifty of them never even made it to that stage. Now this is an individual with common sense, who understands people, and even if one will give room for a ninety percent margin of error, it is shocking that not even one of the suggestions succeeded. By now she has no doubt successfully set up many shidduchim, but the matter is far from resolved.

One of the explanations we continually hear is that, 'They are simply not a match' or 'I spoke to someone who knows both of them and they are just not for each other.' 

It was always a mystery to me, and still is, how can anyone say with certainty, 'They are not a match'? Sometimes it's obvious, but more often than not, when sound suggestions are made, it would take huge responsibility to 'close the door'based on an estimated incompatibility. Is this maven who knows both individuals a professional in human social chemistry? I highly doubt it. Why is this maven's opinion better than the opinion of the shadchan? (Considering that the shadchan knows them both). Granted, a considerable amount of inquiries ought to be done before allowing ones child to meet a prospective spouse, but there are certain crucialfactors, that can only be properly deciphered by the persons concerned. Any other opinion should be considered a wildguess, and may result in a lost opportunity.

Occasionally it happens that the incompatibility is based on differences in character. One is louder, one is quieter; one is more outgoing, the other more introverted; one is from America, one is from Australia. The irony is that all these differences are real. There are real differences between the American style and the Australian or European, for example, and yet countless people have married in such a manner and have very nice and harmonious households. That doesn’t meant that the differences have no importance, rather they are not the main focus of our attention.

The Rebbe addressed this issue several times in his letters, and wrote that the main compatibility is dependent on the people involved having the same hashkafos in life.

In practical terms this means that if one of those involved is very careful with kashrus and the other is ok with being more lenient, there is a fundamental difference in their hashkafos. Or if one feels that Torah study is very important and the other not so much, that points to very basic differences in hashkafa.

If the hashkafa was compatible, the Rebbe signaled satisfaction. If both people have the same level of commitment to Yiddishkeit, they are compatible. The Rebbe even goes on to say that there may be incompatibilities in their tchunos (character), as long as they are attuned in their hashkafa everything else will work out. So when thinking about differences and incompatibilities, in addition to the fact that there is a range, and some Australians, Europeans, Israelis are characterized as such, while others are less so, when considering their outlook on life from a Yiddishe perspective these other incompatibilities will become much less significant.

In conclusion, shidduchim have existed for almost as long as humans have, but we don’t find that people were so into foretelling social chemistry and other incompatibilities. The focus was almost always on the level of frumkeit, etc.

In our history it had even occurred many times that shidduchim were made even before the children were born. 

A visitor once came to a town and he saw that a big celebration was taking place. In response to his inquiries as to the nature of the celebration, he was informed that an engagement had taken place. "Who are the chosson and kallah?" 

"They are not yet born. Both sets of parents received a bracha for a child; one for a son and the other for a daughter. With strong Bitachon that their Rebbe's brocho would surely materialize, they decided to betroth the unborn couple."

These were often the best marriages in history. This is not a suggestion that we should arrange shidduchim before the children are born, but we should definitely move in that direction. Focusing mostly on the main elements of compatibility and not giving attention to every possible miniscule difference that may exist, will surely pave the way for a smoother road to shidduchim and even to smoother marriages.