The overestimater

One of the common pitfalls parents have to watch out for in shidduchim is the tendency to overestimate who their child is. Theythen request from שדכנים types of suggestions that are just not congruent with who their child is.

It's a known fact that many parents can't understand, “What did my child do wrong?” They say, “My child is an angel, and the school or peers ruined the child.”

When it comes to shidduchim, the unrealistic estimation of one's child is something that can delay marrying off said child. “My child wants someone who does Chitas,” or “My child wants to go on Shlichus,” or “We want to make a Shidduch with a חשוב'ע family,” are some of the claims parents make, and often enough the overestimation is of the kind that you just say to yourself, “Oh, that's how every parent should think of their child.” But it is not advantageous to be off the mark when seeking a שידוך, and it couldin fact postpone finding the right one, ח''ו. 

There are many occasions where an objective observer may say,that what the parent is requesting for their child is simply inaccurate. The person doesn't match the request. Quite often, the suggestion made in such conditions won't make it past the research stage because it will be very obvious that it is a mismatch. Even if the couple does meet, (and that means that the research was not doneproperly) their basic incompatibility will soon come to light.

It may happen that both sides over estimated their children, and in the same areas and to the same degree, but the potential couple is similar in other areas, so the שידוך will work out, but this should be considered only יד השם. The assessments of the children and the requests made were not part of the shidduch's success. Hashem made it work out in spite of all the mistakes made.

Thinking highly of family members is very important and has its place. But on a practical level, when it comes to a state of affairsoutside the family setting, it is counterproductive to overvalue, and may slow a person down from reaching the goal of marriage.

The focus needs to be on identifying exactly who the person is. Yes! We could be acquainted with one another for decades, even closely acquainted, and still not be able to pinpoint who the acquaintance is, what makes the friend the specific individual he or she is. With some people it's easier to tell, with others it's harder. Some people have a חוש in that they are able to figure out who a person is. Many people don't have this ability.

The point is that whatever self-esteem boosters are going on at home should stay there. As soon as we reach any area outside the home, we need to be realistic and practical: “What makes them specifically who they are (besides for being my wonderful child)?”